Incredibly Incredulous
by HarborRat
Summary: Pang Fei Yan, a busty beautiful Battle Vixen, is the lovechild of Pang Tong and Zhuge Liang's wife, Yue Ying. Pang Tong raised his daughter on his own after being kicked out of school and his hometown when the affair became public. Now a teenager, his little girl is ready to protect her beloved father from anything the Three Kingdoms throws at them.
1. Return of the Phoenix

Disclaimer: Dynasty Warriors and Romance of Three Kingdoms X belong to KOEI-Tecmo and no copyright infringement is intended. This is merely a non-profit piece of fan fiction inspired by an amazing series.

Summary/Back Story: When Pang Tong and Zhuge Liang were still classmates studying under Sima Hui, Kongming got married. Kongming rarely took his nose out of the Art of War and his wife quickly became neglected; Pang Tong found a better place for his nose and had an affair with his classmate's wife. Yue Ying became pregnant with Pang Tong's lovechild and destroyed the friendship the men once had. When the baby was born, Liang handed the little girl to her real father and told him to hit the road. Then the Sleeping Dragon became a hermit and forbid his wife to go back out into the real world. Pang Tong went into the mountains and used his fighting skills (threw his cloak over it) to capture a mountain goat for milk to feed his daughter. It seemed like a nice place to settle down so he built a shack and settled in to be a homeless, jobless strategist and stay-at-home Dad until a war broke out and boosted the economy. This, is their story.

Author Note: This is a ROTK X style created character in a Dynasty Warriors story with some excerpts from the ROTK novel. I'm embracing the anime style fighter of Battle Vixens fame and who better to have a hot daughter than the "ugly" zany strategist Pang Tong? Officer Biography for Pang Fei Yan featured at the end of this chapter to keep with the theme of ROTK X. This story came about thanks to a writing prompt in LiveJournal's WarriorsSlash50 challenge.

* * *

**Incredibly Incredulous**

Chapter 1

_**Return of the Phoenix**_

* * *

"Nipples! Where are you hiding?"

Zhao Yun stopped in his tracks and stared at the perfect teenage butt sticking out from under a produce cart. It was the kind of beautiful butt a hentai girl would have, firm, delicious and barely covered by a part of tattered green shorts. He bit his lip and tried to think through his come on line before he made an ass out of himself.

"Nipples! Come out of there!"

That perfect posterior wiggled and allowed the young warrior to see something he had only read about in Guan Yu's diary: the camel toe. Zhao Yun tried to clear his throat to announce himself, but ended up swallowing the drool puddling in his mouth. Suddenly he went from being a proud and attractive hero, to an idiot choking on his own spit.

Pang Fei Yan heard someone choking and backed out from under the cart to see what the problem was. She looked at the man who was pounding on his own chest to try and clear his airway. She grabbed her staff and stood to see if there was something she could do to help. "Excuse me, do you need a tracheotomy?"

Zhao Yun, pride of Chang Shan, vehemently shook his head. He tried to not stare at her huge breasts barely covered with straps of bandage, but it didn't work. He coughed and tried to put together a sentence. "Thank you. I'm fine."

She watched him wipe away a tear and looked down as she felt something furry brush up against her bare leg. "Nipples!"

Suddenly he was choking again as she bent over to pet a goat that came out from under the cart. All he could see was cleavage, until dots began to cloud his vision because he couldn't get any air.

"Blah!" The goat responded and continued to chew on some weeds it had found under the cart.

"Cute…goat." Zhao Yun managed to choke out as he finally cleared his airway. He cleared his throat and knelt down to try and pet the stupid thing. He really didn't think critter was cute, but it seemed to be a good move to get the girl to talk with him. That and if he bent down her breasts would be at eye level.

"Fei Yan?" Pang Tong called out as he left the shop. "Did you make a new friend?"

"No Daddy. This guy was just interested in petting my Nipples." Fei Yan replied loudly so that everyone in the marketplace could hear. As she stood upright she noticed the stares and complete and utter silence.

Pang Tong looked at the young man's face drain of color as his hand hovered over the goat's back. Tong hid his smile behind his mask. "Really?"

"Blah!" Replied Nipples, the goat.

Suddenly Fei Yan burst into laughter and her father soon followed. She couldn't hold it in anymore and the guy looked like he was about to cry. It was a game they played in every town and frankly it never got old. "Sorry. The goat's name is Nipples."

Zhao Yun finally took a breath and stood up as people in the market went back to business. "Okay."

"Sorry kiddo, just a little inside joke." Pang Tong chuckled and tipped his hat to the young man.

"Zilong!" Liu Bei called out as he led his brothers through town with their new strategist in tow. "I heard there was a man choking to death, is everything alright?"

"Everything is fine, sir." Zhao Yun replied. He closed his eyes, Zhang Fei was never going to let him live this down.

"He just got a bit excited when I let him touch my Nipples." Fei Yan chirped and smiled as the market once again stood still.

"Shhh…" Pang Tong chided. "You're going to get this poor kid fired!"

"Blah!" Nipples added.

Liu Bei took a deep breathe. Then he looked down at the girl's chest and blinked. "Well…I…."

"Way to go kid!" Zhang Fei began to clap. "I told you he wasn't gay!"

"What exactly is going on?" Zhuge Liang pushed his way to the front to see what was going on. He fanned himself as he mentally prepared to deliver another speech about inappropriate public behavior. He was disappointed that the warrior causing the commotion this time was Zhao Yun, he thought the young man was better than that.

"Nothing! I was just petting this goat…" Zhao Yun began to explain.

"Awww!" Zhang Fei exclaimed. "That's gross. I'd rather you be gay! Bet you are buying that Tentacle porn doujin too!"

"Blah!" Nipples replied.

Zhuge Liang looked around and suddenly saw someone familiar. His fan stopped moving and he stared at someone he never thought he'd see again. "Pang Tong."

Pang Tong looked up and locked eyes with his former friend. "Oh..hey Kongming. Long time no see."

"I thought I made it clear to you that only _friends_ could call me by my style name." Zhuge Liang coldly replied.

"Meeeeoooow!" Zhang Fei exclaimed.

Guan Yu looked at the match up and frowned. "Why doesn't it surprise me that when he finally fights he decides to pick on a midget hobo?"

Pang Fei Yan spun her staff and stepped in front of her father. "If you have a problem with my Father, than you take it up with me!"

"Your father?" Zhuge Liang's face paled. This couldn't be happening.

Liu Bei raised his eyebrows and leaned over to Guan Yu. "She must take after her mother."

"She has her Mom's figure but my ample chest." Pang Tong said and looked up as a new person arrived. "No offense."

Yue Ying gulped as she looked at the young lady in front of her. "Oh my God."

"Awkward." Tong said and pushed his hat up with his staff and whistled. "Fei Yan, this is your Mother."

Silence once again overtook the small area as everyone stared at Yue Ying. She bit her lip, never thinking this moment would arrive. However he she was in a market finally meeting the baby girl she had given up 16 years earlier.

"Blah!" Nipples interjected.

"Okay." Fei Yan shrugged. "Thanks for having sex with my Dad and not letting your husband throw me in the river. I think that's about all I really have to say."

"Well nice seeing you all again!" Pang Tong tipped his hat and began to walk away.

Fei Yan waved and tapped her goat's rump with her staff to get her moving again then caught up with her father.

Guan Yu stroked his beard and looked around at the awestruck crowd. "Never a dull moment."

"Wait!" Zhang Fei looked at Yue Ying. "You mean you slept with the midget?"

"Yes." Zhuge Liang growled. "My wife had an affair with my former friend."

"You just earned a huge respect bonus for that." Fei nodded. "HUGE! Midget porn suddenly isn't so weird."

"Wait." Liu Bei suddenly recalled where he had heard the name Pang Tong before. "Is this the same man that Sima Hui recommended I employ?"

"Yes, sir." Guan Yu replied as Zhuge Liang's face turned red.

"We have a Master Strategist." Zhao Yun finally joined the conversation thankful that this awkward encounter was no longer about him.

"Not one any of us actually likes." Zhang Fei mumbled. "Not even his wife."

"It is such a heavy burden for one man to bear." Liu Bei said to no one in particular.

"My Lord." Yue Ying spoke up. "Perhaps, given the past that Kongming and I share with him…."

"The past is behind us!" Liu Bei declared. "Shu is the present and future. For the sake of restoring the Han, I don't think we can afford to not persuade a man so highly regarded by Sima Hui to join us!"

* * *

"Did I actually hear you offer to give that kid a tracheotomy?" Pang Tong asked his daughter.

"It seemed like the polite thing to do." Fei Yan shrugged.

"I do appreciate you thanking your mother for having sex with me. That was a very tender moment." He chuckled.

"Once again I was being polite." She sighed. "I really wanted to ask if she was using you to make her husband jealous or just using you to satisfy her needs. I thought option 'A' went well."

"Excuse me!" Liu Bei ran up to the two strangers. "Master Pang, may I have a moment of your time?"

"Mom must have given you high reviews." Fei Yan smiled. "Remember, charge by the hour."

"What can I do for you Buddy?" Pang Tong looked at the man who was trying to use some charming smile to win him over.

"I spoke with your former teacher, Sima Hui and he highly recommended you."

"Obviously not as highly as someone else." Tong waved at Yue Ying.

Fei Yan giggled. The thought of her father's sexual exploits being the subject of conversation in anyone's camp was entertaining.

Liu Bei decided the best option for attack was to simply turn the conversation back to serious and ignore the innuendo. He was used to Zhang Fei's raunchy talk and was very skilled at this tactic. "I am Liu Bei, Prince of Hanzhong. I am trying to restore the Han and we are on our way to ally with Wu to take down Cao Cao."

"Good for you!" Pang Tong patted the man on the shoulder.

"Would you join us?"

"Uh…no." Pang Tong took his hat off and scratched his head. "We're not welcome in Wu."

"Why?" Liu Bei asked. He never heard of such a thing. The people of Wu were very hospitable.

"I'm ugly and my daughter draws comics of their King being raped by seafood. I think our passports have been revoked."

Liu Bei mulled that over. "You're joking?"

"No. Fei Yan is actually quite imaginative with the marine life. Squids, sea cucumbers, dolphins, eels, carp, starfish, octopus…" Tong rattled off the sea creatures and then smacked his head. "I almost forgot the LobsterThong!"

Liu Bei looked to the girl who smiled at him as Pang Tong pulled her sketchbook out of her backpack.

"See." Tong flashed him the fashion painting she had done. "I think the crayfish nipple clamps are especially creative."

Liu Bei stared at the painting. "That's…interesting."

Fei Yan pointed to the string around the man's waist. "Their claws are tied with this string, which also acts as the thong. They naturally curl their tails when threatened and cup and fondle in all the right places. The little flippers and feeders massage, while the hard crustacean shell protects. Very efficient and fashionable. Would you like to order one?"

"One for everyone in your group?" Tong clarified.

"Uhhh…"Liu Bei looked at the drawing and cleared his throat. "No, thank you. I don't believe that will help our recruiting efforts any."

"You'll regret it!" Tong chided. "Especially in Wu. It's very tropical."

"When you run out of food you can take off your LobsterThong and steam them. Cooking removes any residue from them being used to cup and protect genitalia. Very practical." Fei Yan showed him the next page where she had drawn a picture of how to cook the lobsters.

"Master Pang, please join us." Liu Bei chose to return to a sane conversational topic.

"You don't know me." Tong shrugged. "In fact, what you do know about me should be enough to make you not want to hire me. If you've spent any time with Kongming you know he's intolerable when he is happy and I can assure you he's just horrible when he's bitchy. Throws fits, curses your existence, and tries to throw babies in the river…"

"We can work something out."

"You really like to set unattainable goals, don't you?" Tong chuckled.

"It wouldn't be the first time that two people with conflicting personalities work side by side." Liu Bei had to keep trying, finding free officers these days was not easy.

"Look pal, I appreciate your persistence but I'm getting a bit tired of your ignorance." Tong put his hat back on. "Warriors settle their differences physically and all you have to do is clean up some blood and maybe hide a body. Strategists are a whole different monster. There is nothing off limits and I doubt your merry men can handle that kind of hell. I'm certainly not going to subject my daughter to it. So, have a great time in Wu and good luck with that whole restoring the Han thing."

Liu Bei frowned as the two walked away. The boat for Jian Ye left in two days and he needed to find someone who could influence Pang Tong and convince him to join them. He returned to his group and thoughtfully said "Master Zhuge, I am sorry but I must ask to send your wife on a special mission."

Guan Yu looked down at Zhuge Liang who started to pluck white feathers from his fan. "Brother, I think you should send the kids instead."

"The kids?" Liu Bei asked.

"As a parent I can see why he would be reluctant to join us. However I think that is also his weakness. If we send our kids who are about his daughter's age then perhaps he can see what we can provide for him that his current lifestyle can't."

"Sex with teenagers?" Zhang Fei asked.

"No." The giant replied. "A healthy social life for his daughter."

"Oh, good idea." Fei scratched his beard. "Though I think Bao might be more interested in offering his body up for the cause. If he survives the nosebleed from looking at the rack on that chick."

* * *

"Oh, this is going to be good." Pang Tong sat up and looked behind them at the road where a few youngsters in green were approaching.

Fei Yan looked over her shoulder and rolled her eyes. "I can't take you anywhere."

Tong flopped back down on the ground. "I wonder which genius came up with the idea to appeal to you."

She shrugged and returned to watching her fishing line. "Maybe this idiotic ploy is meant to show you how helpless they are. You'll pity them and want to save them from their stupidity."

"I figured Liu Bei would just try and send your Mom." Tong replied. "Poor Yue Ying. I'm sure she's a wreck."

"Go comfort her." Fei Yan jerked up on the line and pulled a fish from the water for lunch. "I always wanted a little brother."

Guan Ping led the group over to the riverbank where the two Pangs were trying to catch lunch. He looked over his shoulder as Zhang Bao and Zhang Xing Cai hovered around their horses trying to buy some time and force him to make the introductions. "That's an interesting fishing pole."

Pang Tong snorted and placed his hat over his face to shield out the sun and curious glances.

Fei Yan looked up at the boy and looked him over. He was probably a little younger than her and could see from his attire that he was someone important's kid and not some generic officer. "That's an interesting sword. Overcompensate much?"

He heard the midget chuckle again and looked over his shoulder again for his reinforcements. His sworn brother just stuck his tongue out at him, but Xing Cai slowly began to inch closer. He looked back at the girl fishing and noticed something that he could turn into a better conversation starter. "You lost an earring."

Fei Yan sighed as she unhooked the fish from the line and then lifted up her lure for him to see. "No, it isn't just an earring. It's a lure and can also be used as a fletching if I need an arrow. The fishing line is also a bowstring and most of the time serves as my belt. My fishing pole is my staff, my stick bow and a half dozen other things that I won't bore you with."

"Wow." Guan Ping blinked. "You really are Yue Ying's daughter. You're an inventor just like her!"

"Or I'm a hunter/gatherer who carries a practical weapon." Fei Yan threw the line back into the water. "Not sure what you can do with that weapon other than advertise your insecurities."

Xing Cai crept up behind Ping. "Hello. I'm Xing Cai, Zhang Fei's daughter."

"I'm Pang Fei Yan, the bastard daughter of Pang Tong."

"Lovechild sounds so much better." Tong said from under his hat. "Makes me sound like a Casanova and not a….bastard."

"This is my Father, Pang Tong. The strategist who you're never going to work with."

"Look, I know this is an obvious attempt to try and persuade you to join us." Guan Ping sighed. "However, we can't go back without at least telling our parents we tried."

"You know how it is." Xing Cai added. "Our parents treat us like kids and never let us do anything on our own."

"I never leave my Father's side because he likes to seduce married women." Fei Yan replied. "It's called filial piety."

Tong chuckled and sat up. "Thanks kiddo."

"You're a public menace." She replied and handed him the fish to begin cooking.

"So I guess that's going to be three more for lunch, huh?" Tong set his hat back on his head and stood up. "Hope you brought something to drink."

Guan Ping was about to reply, but Xing Cai growled something and marched back to the horses. He frowned as he realized why Zhang Bao hadn't joined them yet.

Zhang Bao looked up as Xing Cai appeared out of nowhere and cracked him in the head with the shaft of her trident. "Bitch!"

"Drunk!" she grabbed the musou wine out of his hands and corked it. "This wine was a gift for Pang Tong!"

"I'm going to need to be drunk to be able to make eye contact with the ugly dude." Zhang Bao grumbled as his sister stole the wine he was drinking and forced him to meander over to the group.

"Make yourself comfortable." Tong began to skewer another fish that Fei Yan handed him.

Bao plopped down next to the wine bottle. "So you slept with Yue Ying, huh?"

Tong shrugged. "We really didn't do much sleeping."

"I always thought she was too hot to be Kongming's quiet little wife." Zhang Bao reached for the bottle and had his hand slapped.

Xing Cai growled. "Bao, don't embarrass yourself!"

"You're the only one embarrassed here." Bao stuck out his tongue. "Take notes! When you're married to Liu Shan you're going to need to find someone to get you off."

Fei Yan kept her eyes on the fishing line and tried to avoid interacting with these people. They were immature and quite honestly ruining the peace of their meal. However her father was clearly going to try and be nice to them and prolong their intrusion into their lives. "Perhaps I could interest you gentleman in a LobsterThong?"

"Going to model it for me?" Zhang Bao asked.

All Fei Yan heard was the yelps as Xing Cai bludgeoned her brother with her weapon. It was going to be a long night. She looked up at Guan Ping who gave her an apologetic smile but she wasn't sure if it was for staring at her chest or for his friends actions. Well, perhaps they could have a little fun while these people were here. "I have to go milk my Nipples, want to help?"

Pang Tong's smile was hid behind his mask as the three Shu warriors all stopped breathing and looked over at his mischievous daughter. She would have them in a full fledged retreat in a matter of an hour.

* * *

_**Officer Biography:**_

**Name:** Pang Fei Yan

**Age: **15

**Sex:** Female

**Looks: **Brown hair, brown eyes**, **hentai big boobs, 5'2" tall, slender. Clothing is tattered and as skimpy as possible. Koihime Musou Zhang Liao boob wrap. Shorts she outgrew two years until Liu Bei gives her sandals he made. Belt is a bow string. Hair done in a knot with two sharpened sticks holding it together. One earring is an arrowhead, the other a fletching.

**Father**: Pang Tong

**Mother**: Yue Ying

**Weapon**: Staff. "WonderStick" .

- Polearm function is standard.

- It can become a stick bow if she strings her belt on it. Sticks in her hair can be used as an arrow, earrings added for broadhead and fletching.

- Also makes an awesome fishing pole. Bowstring as line and fletching as bait, then gut the fishies with the broadhead!

**Intelligence**: Above average, home schooled. Plays a mean game of competitive Mahjong but lacks interest in GO, studying and memorizing Sun Tzu.

**Debate Skills**: Below Average: Gets bored with intellectual games and resorts to jokes to belittle her opponent.

**Social Skills**: Below Average. Raised in the woods with a hobo Dad, she's a bit of a loner and lacks interpersonal communication skills.

**Attitude**: Carefree tom-boy. No worries when you're a nomad!

**Occupation**: Hunter/Gatherer. Makes sure she can feed herself and Dad.

**Interests**: Drawing yaoi dojin that depict Sun Quan as a loser who is raped in every way imaginable. Revenge for calling her father ugly.


	2. Natural Disaster

**Incredibly Incredulous**

Chapter 2

_Natural Disaster_

* * *

"So..." Zhang Fei said thoughtfully. "You're sure that hot chick is really the same kid you made with Pang Tong?"

Yue Ying shuffled uncomfortably. "Why wouldn't she be?"

"No offense, but two wrongs don't make a right. " Zhang Fei replied. "You've got that homely, spank me school marm thing going for you but it's not enough to compensate for his ugly. Sure as shit isn't a mermaid swimming around in either of your gene pools so how did you two luck out?"

"Don't insult my wife." Zhuge Liang growled.

"Tread carefully Yide." Guan Yu warned.

"What?" Zhang Fei asked as they all glared at him. "You're all thinking it. Yue Ying plus Pang Tong does not make anything we would want to look at twice more or less drool over. It's...well incredibly incredulous is what it is."

Guan Yu hid his smile as the strategist threw his fan down and stormed off. "Now you've done it."

Yue Ying picked at her breakfast not really wanting to chase after her husband. Last night's silence had been awkward enough. "Maybe I should go talk with Pang Tong."

"Yeah, ask for proof she's really yours." Zhang Fei nodded in approval. "Go to the conservatory and ask those guys. They should tell you the sun, moon and stars all aligned the night you two hooked up and there was some miracle that fell out of the sky and into your bed."

"Ugh." Guan Yu looked around. It was amazing how he could keep digging himself into a hole. "I need reinforcements."

"What's with his mask anyway? Is he a leper or something? Or got some sort of disease? Is ugly infectious?" Fei asked. "Bet you kept the lights off with him. Might have needed a blindfold and some reverse cowgirl action too."

Guan Yu finally smacked him. "Just because she's a soldier doesn't mean you can talk to her like that."

"We're good, right?" Zhang Fei asked and wiped some breakfast off his beard.

Yue Ying gave him a weak smile. "Actually I think you've given me the required inspiration to go have a long overdue conversation."

"See. I'm inspirational."Zhang Fei responded and smacked his brother back.

"You're impossible." He corrected him and watched the young woman walk away to find her weapon and a horse.

"I just sent two strategists running with a mere conversation. I'm incredible."

"Incredibly incredulous." Guan Yu mumbled as his brother's smile broadened as his new phrase was used in conversation.

"Damn right."

* * *

Pang Tong looked up from the ginseng plants he was carefully rinsing and eyed the intruder. "I was wondering when you'd show up. Sorry that we really don't do breakfast."

"Is she really our daughter?" Yue Ying had to ask as she laid her eyes on the pretty face still nestled in her blankets. Zhang Fei was right. How did they produce something so beautiful?

"Amazing isn't it?" Pang Tong smiled. "Good thing everyone wants prepubescent girls who like to sing and dance or I'd have all kinds of men chasing after her."

"She got Zhao Yun's attention." Yue Ying reminded him. "Something a girl of her age should be a little happier about."

"Doubt she's interested in a lifetime membership to the Zhao Yun fan-girl club, but if that's the gift you brought don't be surprised if she sells it for twice what you paid."

"She's really our daughter?" Yue Ying repeated and cautiously sat down. This was as close as they had been since the night they had made her. A night she had tried so hard to forget as it was the most vulnerable and weak she had ever been. She hurt her husband and violated their wedding bed with her foolish need to be desired.

"Unless your husband switched out babies on his way from your bed to his door." Pang Tong shrugged. He wasn't really in the mood to play "Remember When" with his daughter pretending to be asleep behind them.

"I tried to pretend that what we did never happened." Yue Ying struggled with the words as his eyes narrowed at her.

"Look, this was just an unfortunate coincidence that we ran into each other again." Pang Tong shrugged. "Let's just leave it at that."

"You can do that?"

He looked over his shoulder as Fei Yan 'slept' next to the fire. "What do you want, Yue Ying?"

"I just want…" She bit her lip. "I want to know who my daughter is."

"She's _my_ daughter, always has been." He shook his head. "Better to hear that from me, than her."

"Do you want to hear that from me?" Fei Yan asked and rubbed her weary eyes as she sat up and finally looked at her mother. "Do you want to hear that I don't want to know you? Or did you come here to try and explain yourself to me?"

"I…don't know." Yue Ying sat down and clasped her hands. "I just felt obligated to come here and try to convince you to join Shu. I can see you're both accustomed to this existence, but I know you want more Shiyuan. You always have. Why pass up this opportunity to show up Kongming like you've always wanted?"

"Is that what you want?" Tong asked. "You know better than to say things like that to a strategist, we're easily seduced by the temptation of a battle of whits."

"I want Shu to succeed and I honestly don't care what your motives are. I selfishly want to have a chance to get to know you, Fei Yan, however this isn't about any of us. It's about the future of this country. I love Kongming and I doubt you can come close to outsmarting him, but I also know you're a different kind of strategist. I know you like to take risks and always lean towards the more aggressive tactics. Your different styles would lead to a more complete strategy team and perhaps help us overcome the odds against us."

"Tactician Yin and Yang?" Pang Tong chuckled. "Does your husband know you're out here talking dirty to me?"

"I'm going back to bed." Fei Yan mumbled and went back over to the campsite and covered herself in a blanket again. "I don't need to hear my mother talk about my Dad's 'aggressive tactics' or gambling with outdated herbal remedy."

"Do it for her, Shiyuan." Yue Ying said quietly. "Don't try and tell me you're happy selling Ginseng and living off the land when your little girl is dressed in rags and you're no better. Join our army and give her a better life."

Pang Tong watched her leave and wandered over to the fire. "I think she's right. You do deserve better than what I can provide."

"You're a sucker." Fei Yan frowned. "She's preying on your weakness."

"Yup." He nodded. "However, it's something I've been thinking on a lot recently. You need to be a normal teenager, get out into the world and socialize like one."

"I don't like people." She said and rolled over on her back to look at the rising sun. "That's not going to change."

"Although I appreciate you hating the world for not treating me well, I do think you should at least give it a chance." Tong poked the fire.

"Why? We're both judged purely on our looks. You should be happy people actually look you in the eye."

"Maybe it won't be so bad when I can afford to buy you real clothes."

"So you've already made up your mind?" She said simply.

"You hardly made it worthwhile debate." He chided. "You're going to have to do better than that to win against Kongming."

"I think my presence alone will be a victory." She sighed. "I also think that Xing Cai girl is pretty cute and I'm not sure if it's because I like her outfit or I want to kiss her."

"Yeah, I think we're long overdue for getting you properly socialized."

* * *

Liu Bei's eyes glistened with excitement and he didn't notice the crane feathers floating to the floor as Zhuge Liang plucked more feathers from his fan in frustration. "Master Pang, I am honored that you have reconsidered and are going to accept my offer!"

Pang Tong watched the feathers float to the ground and then looked up at Zhuge Liang and had second thoughts. This wasn't about egos, he didn't really want the job that much and he did owe the man a chance to veto the decision. "Well Buddy, I think it's all going to have to depend on whether or not your existing strategist wants me on his team. Considering our history, I'm sure you'll agree that the decision should lie with him."

Zhuge Liang set his fan down to avoid doing more damage to it as his Lord looked at him with pleading eyes. He forgot how easily his old friend could spin his words so that the suggestion sounded like it was someone else's idea. He could see that Liu Bei was on the verge of saying something about virtue and he had to quickly make a decision. Should he be selfish and dismiss Pang Tong to avoid dealing with his now public personal problems? He knew releasing the free officer would eventually allow him to wander his way into Cao Cao's service since Sun Quan had already shot him down. Did he really want to see what the enemy could do with his friend's often brash and aggressive tactics? His stress level was reduced as his mind quickly ran through the scenarios.

"Master Zhuge, " Liu Bei didn't want to sound like he was begging, but it had helped him get this far n life so why change now? "I beg of you to consider employing Master Pang. His service would greatly help us on our quest to restore the Han but as a man of virtue I can not force you to work beside a man who has betrayed your trust."

Zhuge Liang kept his eyes on Pang Tong and they exchanged glances that only two men of vast intelligence could. He could feel Liu Bei's puppy dog eyes on him, begging for this chance to employ yet another individual they could barely pay. "Confucius said that it is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them. I am sure that we can set aside our differences for the greater good of restoring the Han and bringing peace and prosperity back to this land."

"Sure can." Pang Tong chirped and smiled without breaking eye contact. Of course mending their broken friendship would be easy in comparison to winning the war, restoring the Han and bringing about World peace. He finally had to look away as Liu Bei approached and he wondered if the man was going to hug him.

"I made you and your daughter some sandals." Liu Bei offered the woven grass sandals as a token of his appreciation.

"Thanks Buddy!" He wondered if this was really the best gift basket the Shu lord could afford. Not exactly the best start to inspiring confidence in a win if your hand outs were hand made by your king from free materials he found on the side of the road.

"Than you Master Pang." Liu Bei smiled. Finally things were going so well! He couldn't wait to get to Wu! "Sima Hui said that any man who obtains the help of the Sleeping Dragon of the Young Phoenix will restore the empire. Now that I have both of you, the Han will surely be restored!"

"Thanks for the job, Kongming." He winked.

Zhuge Liang gave him a weak smile. Was he really going to be able to make this work?

* * *

"What does the tourist pamphlet say about the observatory?" Zhang Fei asked.

"Discover your lifespan! Find out if lost relatives or dead or alive! Update your officer Biography! Predict natural disasters! Find out if that's really your kid! All for low low prices..." Zhang Bao read and looked up at his father as he smacked his hand on the table.

"Natural disaster. How much does that cost?"

"I'm pretty sure it's for earthquakes, floods and famine not a way of unveiling one of Zhou Yu's schemes." Guan Yu informed him.

"Right!" Zhang Fei jumped up and nudged his son's arm. "Go get the horses and lets go sightseeing."

* * *

"So you're the great, all powerful Zhao Yun." Fei Yan circled him as if she was appraising a cattle for slaughter.

He watched her and smiled. "Yes."

She looked over at a nearby herd of fan-girls swooning and salivating. "Why exactly is it that you're in the market looking for women when you have those girls ready to service you at a moments notice?"

"Fan-girls are...a different kind of monster." He replied and she looked up at him with curious eyes.

"So you're more into teenage girls? How old are you again?"

"28...and you look a lot older than you are."

"You look younger. I'm not really attracted to you. I'm told I should be because you're some sort of sex symbol and superhero but I'm not really impressed."

"I have to admit, I don't hear that every day."

"Hey, kid! Quit talking dirty to him and come over here!" Zhang Fei hollered and waved at her.

She thought about that and looked up at Zhao Yun. "Maybe if you talked dirty to me...like a strategist. Can you do that?"

He had to smile. "Maybe when you're a little older I'll let you lure me into a debate."

"Now I'm intrigued." She said hopefully. "You really have a decent debate skillset?"

"Why are you trying so hard to like me?" He queried.

"I'm trying to figure out if there's something wrong with me...or you." She frowned and wondered if she was going to end up with some ugly strategist who could only arouse her with his brain. "Well I have to go look for my Nipples on the outskirts of town when this day is over, maybe you'd like to come help?"

"With as much trouble as you seem to be having keeping your Nipples contained, I would have thought you'd have found a way to tie it up already." He countered and watched her eyes light up with mischief.

"Nipples should be left loose to enjoy freedom so the milk tastes better." She watched him crack a smile and moved in for the final blow. "Want to taste the free range milk from my Nipples?"

"HEY!" Zhang Fei hollered and rattled some windows. "Pang Titties! Get over here, we don't have all day!"

"Someone is going to have to teach that man manners." Fei Yan turned and looked at the man. His son was beside him chuckling while his daughter his her embarrassment behind her hand.

"Says the girl who decimated a town's innocence by talking about her Nipples in public yesterday." Zhao Yun looked over and noticed two of his young pupils were apparently skipping practice today to go on an adventure with their boisterous father. "Try to behave yourself in town, the infirmary doesn't need any more heart attack victims."

She pouted. Just as she was starting to enjoy herself. "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers or let them lure me into family adventures."

"I will let your father know where you are. Zhang Fei is not a stranger anymore, he's a superior officer and unfortunately he will only get more vulgar the longer you ignore him." Zhao Yun turned to go back to the camp where he was hoping the Guan children would be already working on morning drill.

Fei Yan wandered over to the small group and looked at Zhang Fei. "Did you want something?"

"We're heading to the observatory, wanna come?" Zhang Fei replied.

"You do realize it's not a place where you go to observe anything? It's not a peep show." She replied as they prepared to go sightseeing.

"Yeah, but it's where we're going to find out if you're really who you think you are. They offer parentage verification. I have to know, it's just to crazy to think you came out of that union and very possible this is some ploy to create tensions in our camp." Zhang Fei announced his grand plan and sat up in the saddle and belched.

Fei Yan looked to Xing Cai. "You are too pretty to be your father's daughter. Does anyone question that? "

"Well...no...I never had anyone question..." Xing Cai looked to her father and brother for support but they were both in the saddle already laughing about something.

"Well then I suppose two can play at this game. Let the observations commence." Fei Yan climbed into the saddle of the extra horse and waited for the sightseeing tour to begin.

"Maybe that's not such a good idea." Xing Cai didn't really like the vibe she was getting.

"Why? Some dirty laundry the Zhang family doesn't want aired? Perhaps that braggart father of yours should consider who he's tangling with when he continually calls my father ugly and a liar." Fei Yan replied and set the Wonderstick on her lap as she adjusted the stirrups.

Xing Cai raised her eyebrows and raised her voice. "Father, I don't think we have time for this."

"Of course we do!" Zhang Fei hollered back. "We can't have our master strategist all worked up if it turns out this little girl is a fake! I mean come on, Zhou Yu is more than capable of this! Nothing is coincidence, just weird how we stumbled across them in the marketplace when we were looking for officers. Of all the places in China, that is were these hermits come out of the woods to sell their herbs and porn."

"Hehehe. Pang Titties." Zhang Bao chuckled some more.

Fei Yan smiled and cracked her knuckles. "So let's get to know each other a little, huh? Since we're going to be staying and apparently included in family outings."

* * *

"Yes indeed, this young woman is the child of Pang Tong and Huang Yue Ying." The resident sage replied.

"Awwww..." Zhang Fei frowned. "How the hell is that possible? You guys sell charms or items with a plus 5000 luck option?"

"Well I showed you mine..." Fei Yan threw some change at the man. "Now it's time to show me yours."

"This.." The sage replied frustrated. "Is NOT a peep show."

"I want to know about Zhang Xing Cai. I think she's too cute to be his kid." Fei Yan informed the man and counted her change from her morning's LobsterThong sales. Oh well, it was only money and this was well worth it.

"Very well."

"Wait. This isn't about my family, it's about your sketchy background!" Zhang Fei snorted, annoyed that she'd imply that his baby girl wasn't his.

"Daughter of Zhang Fei and Xiahou Lou An." Came the reply.

"Xiahou?" Fei Yan asked. "Not really a name you hear associated with Shu, show me hers. Who is Xiahou Luo An?"

Fei's eyes got wide as the change flew into the sages hands. "Wait..."

"Daughter of Xiahou Dun and Gongsun Lian."

"How exactly did you manage that?" Fei Yan asked somewhat surprised. "How much does an officer biography cost me?"

"None of your business." He growled and balled his fist at the sage to try and keep him from executing the request for information.

"Xiahou Luo An..." came the reply from the opposite corner of the Observatory as a clerk opened up the "Generals of the North" book. "Daughter of Xiahou Dun and warlord Gongsun Zan's daughter, Lian. At age 13 she was out collecting firewood when Zhang Fei passed by, declared her "good enough to breed" and took her to be his wife. Her cousin Xiahou Ba tried to deter the kidnapping, but Zhang Fei prevailed and took the girl home."

"I never said that! I said "Of good breeding!"" Zhang Fei bellowed and went over to 'correct' the clerk with his fist.

"Well, once again we prove that you just can't make this stuff up. The truth is sometimes way too interesting." Fei Yan turned to Xing Cai and looked at her again. Yes she was cute and clearly she got it from her mother's side of the family.

* * *

"Hey kiddo, what did you do today?" Pang Tong looked up as his daughter finally returned.

"General Zhang took me to the observatory." Fei Yan said and noticed Guan Yu's eyebrows rise.

"He knows it's not a peep show, right?" Pang Tong asked.

"He does now." She chuckled and took off her new sandals. They were beginning to blister her feet.

Pang Tong frowned. "What did you do?"

"I found out that Xing Cai is Xiahou Dun's granddaughter. " She looked over at Guan Yu who was still quiet.

"Well that explains your attraction to her then." Tong mused. "You always did like that eyeball story too much."

"You have to admit it's better than saving babies." She stretched her shoulders and then added. "Though I guess if Xiahou Ba had better training he could have saved his 13 year old cousin from being molested by a random pervert wandering the countryside looking for breeding stock."

"Which brings up the question as to why you sexually harassed Zhao Yun this morning? Seriously kid, one day and you're already piling on the complaints." Pang Tong quickly redirected the conversation away from damaging information about Guan Yu's oath brother.

"Complaints?" She asked. "As in plural?"

"Glad my grammar lessons were effectual." Tong tapped his fingers on the table. "Three soldiers were almost circumcised by crustacean."

"Well...maybe I need to re-market the LobsterThong as a weapon not a defensive package."

"Then there is the Prince Liu Shan who put his lobster in his pants and was almost castrated." He frowned. "I'm probably going to be fired before I finish my first day."

Guan Yu cleared his throat. "As our Lord is taking care of the Prince at the moment, I'm here to make sure we keep Shu safe from you young lady."

"Me?" She asked innocently. "Perhaps a healthy dose of manners and common sense needs to be handed out with all the free rations."

"As punishment you're going to do my paperwork tonight and you better forge my handwriting perfectly or you're going to have to rewrite all of it." Tong closed his notebook and gathered the stack of complaints that had been filed against his daughter in one simple work day.

"You are going to be remanded to Zhao Yun's custody while we recover from the destruction or your arrival." Guan Yu informed her.

"Clearly that 'complaint' was more of a 'request' to be sexually harassed." Fei Yan clarified.

"Clearly we're going to have one of those awkward parenting talks tonight while you do my homework." Pang Tong countered.

"I told you I didn't want to come here."

"And it's painfully apparent that this was long overdue." Tong sighed and patted her head. "Sorry kiddo, I can't blame you for my bad parenting."

"Dad..."

"Well I'm off to see what kind of apology I can come up with for almost turning our Prince into a eunuch."

Fei Yan frowned as he shuffled off mumbling to himself.

* * *

"So the rumors have to be true then..." Fei Yan looked up at Zhao Yun. "Liu Shan was dropped on his head as a baby."

Zhao Yun grabbed her notepad and looked at her drawing. "I think you might need some medication."

"Really, why else would a person put a live unbanded lobster in their pants? It's because of idiots like him that I have to write up warning labels! That just...detracts from the fashion-ability of the LobsterThong."

"What is this?" He turned her notebook around and showed her her drawing.

"You. "Schooling" a female student. Fan-girls love this side of you."

Zhao Yun knelt down on one knee and handed her her notepad. "Fei Yan, if you're going to be part of this training class I'm going to have to insist you quit drawing porn and get out on the field with the other young officers and start sparring. I think we're all very well aware of how destructive you can be with your pen and mind. Grab your staff, and go spar with Guan Ping and please refrain from talking about Nipples of any variety while you're out there."

"How about you spar with him and I take Xing Cai?" She asked and batted her eyelashes. "Though no promises that I won't mention Nipples."

"I don't think it would be a bad idea for you to make a friend in her...however I think you're more than capable of making anything a bad idea."

"Just yesterday you were ready to hit on me in the market, now I'm too dangerous to practice fighting with a skilled warrior carrying a trident?"

"Yesterday, you were not an officer of Shu under my tutelage."

"So...you babysit and run the juvenile correctional facility. " She smirked. "Either you're a saint or a pedophile."

"Go train."

"When exactly did I sign up to be an officer of Shu?"

He sighed. Strategists. "Go train or I will burn that notebook and all those commissions you're working on will go to waste. Don't think I haven't noticed you selling your sketches."

"You're leaving money on the table." Fei Yan stood and grabbed her notebook back. "Those fan-girls follow you everywhere and are willing to spend money on anything that has to do with you. I'm willing to be your agent."

"What exactly is it you're trying to do?" He asked. "Your father looked stressed enough when he was apologizing to Liu Bei for whatever it was that happened to Liu Shan. This morning he was already burdened with several complaints when I went in to talk to him about you. This is hardly the best way to start your first day in Shu."

"Alright, I guess you are kinda cute when you're trying to be inspirational." She stood up and stretched then reached for her Wonderstick.

He sighed. And he thought the Guan children gave him a headache.

* * *

"Shiyuan." Zhuge Liang acknowledged the man and sat down across from him.

"Here to congratulate me on my father of the year award?' Pang Tong asked and ran his hands through his hair. Was this day ever going to end?

"Quite the first day."Zhuge Liang said quietly, wanting to forget all their issues and just go back to being the friends they once were. Unfortunately that wasn't possible.

"Is this some sort of truce?" Pang Tong sat back and looked at him, noting the softness in the man's voice.

"An attempt to make things somewhat tolerable between us. As much as will be allowed." Zhuge Liang said

"I'm not after your wife, Kongming." Pang Tong assured him.

"I know you're not."

"Yesterday I thought I was a pretty good Dad, today...no so much." Pang Tong looked at the stack of complaints again. He hated paperwork. "So, are you here to fire me?"

"No..actually I was here to commend your daughter's entrepreneurial spirit." Liang handed him a ledger. "Zhao Yun has appealed to our lord on her behalf stating she has increased our profitability with her...um...artwork. Profits that outweigh the costs of tending to the casualties of her invention."

"Why would he do that? " Tong wondered if the valiant Shu warrior was actually lobbying for more than just a new student.

"He seems to like a challenge."

Pang Tong narrowed his eyes at the man. "As in a student or perhaps the one girl who hasn't died of a nosebleed as soon as she looked at him?"

"Speaking of bloody noses," Zhuge Liang sighed. "Why is it that I had to go smooth things over with the sages at the Conservatory because Zhang Fei broke a man's nose on a field trip that included your daughter?"

"I wasn't aware that strategist doubled as public relations specialist around here."

"We are short handed and underfunded." Zhuge Liang finally let loose a sigh. "However there is no shortage of immature antics and outbursts. Liu Bei has a bleeding heart and Zhang Fei has diarreha of the mouth. While one tries to bankrupt us, the other tries to corrupt the masses."

"Well Guan Yu and Zhao Yun seem pretty harmless."

"The God of War has fanboys in very powerful warlords and Zhao Yun has fan-girls in a very powerful army of estrogen and yaoi. Each their own headache...then you add their children who are just as bad."

"Guess I should have read the job description a bit better." Pang Tong replied.

"Welcome to Shu."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"So buddy, what's this I hear about you paying a little too much attention to my baby girl?" Pang Tong tapped his staff on the table as menacingly as he could for being an exhausted tactician with a headache and a hand cramp.

Zhao Yun looked up from his late dinner as the strategist sat down. "She's very hard to keep up with. One minute she tells me I'm cute and the next she's pinned Xing Cai to the ground and is kissing her. "

"Oh." Tong leaned his staff against the table. "Guess she's making up for lost time. So for the record you are, or are not interested in my daughter? The goat is negotiable if you're into that sort of thing."

Zhao Yun chuckled as the man's way of delivering the question managed to keep his nerves at bay. "Master Pang, I will admit I am attracted to Fei Yan and I think her sincerity is refreshing...but she is now under my command and one of my students."

"Are you still interested in the goat?"

"Not in the least." He handed him a sheet of paper detail Xing Cai's harassment claims. He was going to deliver it on the way to bed, but when the opportunity presented itself you should certainly multitask. "However I do hear they are great for disposing of paperwork."

"Father of the year I tell you." Tong mumbled and read the report. "Well I like the statements from the innocent bystanders of how she also fondled her."

"I like Guan Suo's stick figure drawing myself." Zhao Yun smirked.

"Where exactly were you when this was happening?" Tong asked. "It was implied that you were supervising these kids?"

"You'll see what an interesting task that is in this camp." He smiled.

"So I hear." Tong sat back and eyed the man. He seemed very genuine. "I guess it's better than babysitting Liu Shan, I hear the thought the whole lobster scenario was acceptable since his Uncle Fei talked about having crabs "down there"."

Zhao Yun groaned. "That sounds like Shan. Poor kid needs a mother."

Tong frowned. So was that it? Were these kids completely out of control because they didn't have a mother? "Well, thanks for the progress report, I suppose I better be off to chat with my daughter before she causes more problems. Thanks for standing up for her, by the way, you're a pretty decent guy despite what your dating habits say about you."

Zhao Yun smiled and picked at his dinner. "She's cute, but I'm not quite sure I want to jump straight to a tracheotomy on the first date. She moves a little fast for me."

"Yeah, told her not to get Nipples involved until at least the second date. Kids these days."

* * *

"Quite the first day, huh?" Tong dropped the stack of paperwork onto of her drawing tablet and then threw his hat off onto his cot. "Better get started on your homework if you're going to be ready for practice at dawn."

Fei Yan frowned. "This is your paperwork not mine."

"No, this is now _your_ paperwork for being a hellion and tearing up camp on our first day."

"I was just..."

"You were just being my unruly daughter who grew up in the wild with a less than ideal father. Yup, you're the monster I created and I have to curb you in before you make the same mistakes I did. "

"So now I'm a mistake?" She tried to turn it around on him and saw in his eyes he wasn't amused.

"When you're young, you don't think about the consequences of your actions but you're still old enough to burn bridges that will ultimately reroute the course of your life." He wondered if repairing the damage with Kongming was even possible. He realized now how much he missed his old friend.

"I thought they determined Liu Shan's testicles were still in good working order." She replied.

"Did you try to sabotage his chances with Xing Cai so you could take a shot at her?"

"News travels fast."

"Not quite the appropriate way to start a relationship." Tong took off his cloak and thew it on the bed. "Not that I really provided you with the most stellar example to model yourself after."

"You're serious about this paperwork?" She asked, now worried that their conversation had not returned to normal, playful banter.

"Yes." He fell into his cot and closed his eyes. "About the only way I can think to punish you and make you realize what you did is to deal with the bureaucratic aftermath. Added bonus is that it will keep you up all night and you'll be way too tired tomorrow to cause problems."

"I was expecting some sort of speech..."

"I don't have anything. I'm disappointed in myself for failing you and I can't really be mad at you for being the daughter I raised. Goodnight kiddo, hope we don't have to have this conversation again tomorrow night."

Fei Yan looked at the paperwork and suddenly felt bad. She never meant to hurt her father, he was all that matter to her. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to..."

"It's a learning experience." He sighed. For both of them it seemed. "Just don't get creative with those reports."


End file.
